CoExistence..

Reflections from Costa Rica..

So basic.
So simple to understand.
Yet not so easy to master.

If both are not going anywhere, the absolute only thing to master is the art of acceptance, the art of coexistence.

“If you can be you, I can be me”

So beautiful and ideal.
But for that I need to actually be me.
Not as an idea, but in the full experience of being me.

Yesterday I started listening again to The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. That book - so me. She explains how judgment, or even a heavy response to anything or anyone, outside or inside myself, is a wake up call to my potential.

Potential.
That is a word I have known since I was about seven years old. I have so much potential. I parked my mind there. Accepting (or fighting) what I am not, while also recognizing who I could be. Any other way, when I tried, I was arrogant and stumbled on my toes. Overcharging when I was not there. Undercharging when I was.

I needed the humility of potential because I did mess up. Quite a lot.

Leading with ego. Escaping. Jealousy. Wanting to be someone before developing the skills to be that someone.

Can I say I reached my potential, or a chunk of it?

How many retreats, clients, or wins will it take for accomplishment to coexist with potential, even if it does not look how I imagined, and with plenty still to go?

I am always learning. And the deep acceptance of that is an accomplishment. When my growth is no longer a way to fill parts that can never be filled.

Certainty is never going to happen.

Always having approval from others. Never having people upset with me. Another waste of my time.

I am not good enough. That is true too. I am not everything or for everyone.

Accomplished. Ten year anniversary with Layle coming up soon. Eighteen years with co parenting with my ex wife. We are civil.

Running a business. Closing it. Some retreats in profit. Others at a loss. Trusting how money can be “received” rather than “taking”. Is it all not accomplishment? Even if it did not look how I imagined, and with so much still unfolding?

The voices of goodness in me, alongside the noise that says I am not, I cannot, I will not. All that negative chatter coexisting inside me, and rather than battling demons. Some demons are me.

I can get mad. I can fight. I can protect. This is part of my masculinity.

I fall short. How peaceful to accept that. And also that I do not fall short. I show up.

Coexisting is an art. It is colors blending to reveal a seemingly new shade that awakens the soul.

The good and the bad.
Night and day.
Winter and summer.
All of nature coexists.

It is natural to allow.
My trauma and childhood struggles tell me otherwise.
So I am starting to allow.

This week, Sunday and Monday in Costa Rica, I traveled. It was meant to be solo, but God’s plan was different and 2 awesome men joined me. That activated my pressure to perfect the experience for them.

I researched. I set a route. I pre booked some things. As we drove out of our resort into the mountains and valleys of this beautiful country, we were hit with wind, rain, and fog. So much so that the trails were closed. My plans went to shit.

We drove for hours. I noticed how I could lean into reality and get curious about what was available, rather than focusing on what was not. What was closed. How badly I failed.

In those two days, besides breakthroughs and meaningful conversations, we got vulnerable and allowed our shame to seek connection. We noticed how not different from each other we really are.

I met a local who at thirty six went back to school to get his high school diploma. He also went to school and learned English, then took computer courses. which led him to the job where we met.

He was greeting guests and keeping things in order. He shared that this job was a huge win. He now earns in a day more than he once earned in a week.

I met with white nosed coatis, fed them and has some play with them. I heard and saw two volcanoes. A handful of exotic birds. I spent hours in natural hot mineral springs, twice one of which was right off the road.

I tried AI, google and quickly finding "alternate “things t do” but this day came about a less common practice - simply asking people. We saw 2 people on the shoulder of the road walking with towels and clothing. We stopped, asked them what’s around, they shared the waterfalls, hot minerals was right down there. Which led us to a half day in paradise.

And in the most random place, off a mountain road, we stopped for coffee in a secluded hotel lobby. I met a Jew from France. He walked up to us because he could not help it, hearing three men speaking fluent Yiddish. He said he had not heard Yiddish since his grandmother spoke it many years ago. We exchanged contacts. I think we will speak or meet again. It was a heartfelt wholesome experience.

It felt guided.
By God, and by my effort of continuing while letting go of how I thought things should go.

It is a tough thing to master.
To accept what I am not.
To accept that this too is Divine guidance.

Hashem gave me talents and limitations. The combination creates my life.

So today, in this writing, I pray for peace and trust. That my body can bear the discomfort it assumes, and just one breath at a time, trust and show up.

Amen 🕊️

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