Found at last…
יגעת ומצאת תאמין
(You toiled and you found. Believe it. ~ Talmudic teaching, Megillah 6b)
I innocently believed in hard work.
There was no explanation of how that works. Work at what? How much? For who?
Hard work is to stop working on something too. To scratch a project. To disobey others’ orders. To even take a break can be hard work.
To understand when to allow another to work. When it is for me to allow magic to work. It is all יגיעה (Toil), just of different kinds.
I knew one way. It is all I noticed in the world. Work hard, it will open doors. I will be recognized and appreciated for my hard work. Appreciates for my good intentions. And best part, rewarded.
The bonus that never came.
The referrals that never happened.
The expectations and demands of what the world, people, and God must do for me. Because my five year old brain decided so.
Boundaries - is a bad word.
I can’t - is a scary word.
I won’t - is rude.
No - is the devil.
Yes - is the only way of love.
And it is not true.
A simple lack of education.
A miscommunication.
Forgetting to establish safety before boundaries can really scare a child away.
People so often underestimate the capacity their child has to understand things. Parents often project their child’s capacity (or lack there of) from their own.
I did not underestimate my Shlomy. If he would listen, I would be there explaining what is behind it. What I know was wrong, on my end too.
I vaguely remember those first times being open in that way thinking I would lose all respect or authority. This feeling still comes up now that he is 18 and knows me in ways I likely do not know myself yet. If I share whatever I think is perceived as emotional, weak, or vulnerable, I have this wave of thought that I will lose our relationship. It is never true. It was never true.
The opposite is true.
When my heart is closed, others close off to me too.
An open heart is a strong heart.
It can hurt.
It can rejoice.
It can wonder.
It can wander.
It can even think it is lost.
Scared, yes, for sure.
Nevertheless, strong beyond my own knowledge.
Heart strength. Masculine strength. Divine masculine strength. It is not a mind thing. It is a heart thing.
It is moving into an unknown outcome with the guidance of a moral value system of truth that decides the steps.
And without fail, there is strength on the other side. Strength is always spiritual. Strength is always Hashem (God).
Everything else is lower brain games of a child which, unless solely used for survival or play, exploration, and creativity, will not provide the strength of a man.
I cannot count the amount of times I have told myself to not be me. Looking back, how funny. How innocent.
Hashem (God) aspired for all worlds to unravel for me to be exactly as I am. For you to be exactly as you are. And I use all my godly power to say, do not be this.
I am done!
This is how it is.
Me.
Shadows, light, clarity, confusion, avoidance, and when I drop in with conviction. Some parts I like. Some I do not like so much. It is a human package.
And the strength to surrender to reality.
The strength to trust the process.
I know it is bigger than my little brain.
Today I choose to trust, although every fiber in my physical nervous system does not know how. And hence why this is a spiritual practice, because my physical self is not there yet.
So help me, Hashem.
I trust in you because I took the step.
It is the best I can do.
Make it rain beauty.
The beauty my human body can understand.
The wonders that are revealed in this realm too.
Aman 💜
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