Real or Imagined
I live in LA, it’s been a year and almost a half.
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Our kids celebrated 2 birthdays here.
Now there are memories - What we did last year and what we want to do this year.
The things I promised myself I will do this fall and that nag of damn, I guess another year.
The 2 summers here and so grateful for this last summer’s weather.
The almost 2 year mark with little to no community, family like friends, or clarity of if I actually have a space here.
lots of experiences.
Deeper connection with the geography of this side of the country.
A friend sharing the hike they have been to and I can actually visualize the place because I was there. A place that wasn’t even a wildest dream to visit and experience.
Photo by @jesseGross | Yosemite National Park November 2025
Life giving it to me real.
There’s nowhere to run.
My impulse is to move again.
My heart just wants to deepen.
My destiny is grounding. Doesn’t matter which land as of yet, but it requires to not run. That it does demand and ask.
What isn’t resolved follows no matter how beautiful the landscape is. No matter how beautiful the weather is.
I can’t outrun truth.
I can’t outrun reality.
I have been sitting with the word success.
A 850 credit score. Made up value.
Which way to go, who to call, what’s the strategy, nuances of details. I can’t comprehend. Avoidance is movement too. It will crumble what needs to go. It will show me the way.
Every month receiving a congratulations from all banks how my credit is so “healthy.”
Since when is spending on credit that enables debt and avoidance - a “credit”?
And when managing this avoidance well is considered health?
Is this wellness even real?
All steps forward lead back to trust and discipline. Which I haven’t mastered as of yet, at least not when I am the driver.
I am still seeking the pill, the mastery, the dream of solitude that’s unbroken. So I can stay consistent and not distract with my so often broken heart. A pill so my heart can stay whole.
But my heart, it just wants to be and feel. It isn’t scared the slightest.
Autism. I often don’t buy into it. I keep judging that I messed up somehow in raising him and “they gave it a name - to ease the pain”. Twice exceptional, three times exceptional. It doesn’t feel very exceptional. It feels like I am the cause of this curse.
And then a better week happens. He’s brilliant, loving, a tad more reasonable. And it almost feels like I can wake up from this nightmare of a dream. We can be whole again. The vision of a family, community, purpose may come about.
It’s unspoken how difficult it is to parent a high functioning exceptional child. Three times exceptional- The hyperactive, the gifted with an Einstein IQ, then the autism. To parent all that - in a world with rules and reason. I have not found a way to convey or explain as of yet.
My mind is telling me, “gratitude” is home. “Only there you will find peace”.
And I try.
And I do.
And I practice.
And it gets dissected, pulled apart, teased, and messed with over and over again.
My two feet are actually on the ground.
It’s real - even if I need to imagine it.
My inhale.
A refuge I am coming to deeply appreciate.
A win, stacking itself on top of another win. I can slow down and appreciate it.
A good day, a good half a day, a good 2 hours or less - I can slow down and deeply appreciate it.
Truth doesn’t mind pain, it doesn’t mind time, it is in no rush. Truth treads slowly. Like that hike my friend did - along 23 miles far above the clouds, and bellow the clouds and back up. Not fazed by age, altitude, weather, or worry. She walks steady, strong, and clear. It is truth and it has no worry in the world.
I rely on truth to guide me. To take me to the other side. Not because I can’t, but because I am learning to want, to deserve, to matter, to express myself, to own my words and voice. To realize the tremendous value truth offers to this world filled with lies.
To be a servant to truth, a leader of truth, a man of truth, a human of truth, a singer of truth, a speaker of truth, a writer of truth, an artist of truth, a vessel where truth can carry humanity to its next realm.
That must be worthwhile.
Knowing that my truth may fluctuate, break, come about with greater clarity, call me out harshly. I so honor truthful people. Those who live with integrated truth - in relationships that matter most. Wife, kids, close friends, work ordeals.
Real or imagined?!
I coach people to their truth and success. I run retreats to bring people closer to their heart and to each other. See my work at:
Coaching: www.mottykenigsberg.com
Groups and retreats: www.be-retreat.com
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